Divorced Parenting:

The year 2000 census from the US Census Bureau (March Current Population Survey for the Nation, March, 2000) indicates that 61% of all children are living with a single parent. The number of two parent families has decreased from 87% in 1970 to 69% in 2000. These trends indicate that divorce and single-parent families have become a way of life in our society.

Many parents who divorce believe they have done irreversible damage to their children because of the parents permanent separation. However, many of the problems children experience following parental divorce are not due merely to separation from one parent. Recent research indicates that children's adjustment following parental divorce is dependent, to a large extent, on the situation existing after the divorce. Fortunately, parents often have control over many of the post-divorce factors that affect child adjustment. Listed below are recommendations to divorced/divorcing parents that should help minimize the negative effects of divorce on children.

• Subject the child to as few changes as possible as a result of the divorce (e.g., try to have the child attend the same school, continue to live in the same home, etc.). Of particular importance is consistency in regard to the child's standard of living. For this reason, regular child support payments are often critical.
  
  
• Don't argue or fight with your ex-spouse in the child's presence. This is perhaps the most important issue related to a child's adjustment following parental divorce. The amount of parental conflict (e.g., over visitation, support, etc.) that the child witnesses following divorce is directly related to their level of adjustment.
  
  
• Consistent discipline is very important. Both parents should use similar age-appropriate discipline techniques with their children. Limits on what is and is not acceptable behavior for their children should also be consistent between the two homes.
  
  
• Don't use the child as a messenger in parental communications. The child should never be asked to communicate messages such as, "tell your dad that he is late with the child support payment." Children should not be involved in such issues.
  
  
• Don't use the child as a spy. Parents should not ask their child questions about the other parent's life (e.g., questions about who the other parent is dating).
  
  
• Don't use the child as an ally in parental battles. Always avoid bringing the child into battles with the ex-spouse. Trying to get a child to take sides will usually result in worsening the child's relationship with both parents.
  
  
• Don't put down the other parent in front of the child. Remember that your ex-spouse (no matter how much anger you feel toward him/her) is still your child's parent. Whenever possible, it is important for the child to have a loving relationship with bath parents.
  
  
• Don't burden the child with personal fears and concerns. Unfortunately, many divorced parents turn to their children for support. This almost always has a negative impact on children and adolescents because they are rarely capable of handling such a stress without harmful effects. Children have enough difficulty with their own adjustment without the added burden of their parents' problems.
  
  
• It is usually in the child's best interest to have a consistent pattern of frequent visits with the non-custodial parent. Frequent cancellations, long periods of no contact, and sporadic visitation schedules often have a detrimental effect on the child.
  
  
• If major problems develop for the child and/or parent seek professional assistance.

Guidelines for Telling Children About a Divorce

• Be honest and straightforward
• Tell the child as soon as a definite decision is reached
• Repeat information as necessary
• Be sure all family members are present
• Describe changes that will occur in detail, especially for younger children (living arrangements, pets, cooking, etc.)
• For older children, outline steps that have been taken to save the marriage
• Emphasize that both parents will continue to love and care for the children
• Don't assess blame
• Emphasize that the children did not cause the divorce
• Encourage questions

© Nicholas Long, Ph.D., University of Kansas Medical Center, 1987